Friday, October 13, 2006
Happy Birthday EB
Current mood: sad
October 8th. Your birthday was Sunday. And I forgot. I’m bad at remembering birthdays. But not yours. Never yours.
This is the first year I forgot. I used to spend the whole week before remembering it. Trying to decide….do I call your mom? Knowing what it will do to me emotionally. Knowing what it will do to her. Knowing that her words and the tears in her voice will bring it all back for me. Knowing that my presence at the other end of that phone line will make it that much harder for her. Because it never fades away for her, I know. As it apparently is fading away for me.
Why am I sad that I forgot? Why are my eyes filled with tears now because I forgot? This is a good thing….right? Moving on? After 15 years? Not just physically, literally moving on, as I did long ago….but letting go. Letting go of that small tiny piece of you that belongs to noone but me.
I forgot this year. I won’t next year. I’ll never let go. I won’t let you fade away as if you were never here. You were here. And you mattered to me. You will always matter to me.