One thing that was on my mind was Mr. Wonderful. The years looming before me of having to take care of him (financially). Him contributing next to nothing in any way. He doesn’t help financially. He’s virtually stopped even pretending to work around the yard and home. His one redeeming factor has always been helping me with the kids schedules. But he’s not even great at that anymore. Basically he’s just being a slug and living off of me, with the added joyous quality of being a drunk, obnoxious, mean slug.
I actually was thinking yesterday morning, as I was lying there in bed….”I need to have a talk with him one morning, before he’s been drinking, about our future.”
I was thinking that I need to keep it real with him and lay it out as I see it. We’ve been down this road too many times for me to continue to expect or hope for change. It won’t happen.
Mr. Wonderful generally spends Wednesday nights with his girlfriend of the moment (it changes constantly). Wednesday is piano night, so it’s a good night for him to do this without Little Guy asking a lot of questions. Little Guy likes for Mr. Wonderful to be home at bedtime, but on Wednesdays it’s become routine and that’s the only night I sleep in the big bed (formerly our bed).
So anyhow…Little Guy came home from school yesterday (Wednesday) saying his tooth was still hurting. He of course had his oral surgery on Monday, so it’s still normal for it to be a little tender.
I was rushing to get home to try to get Diva to piano when Mr. Wonderful called me. He said, “Since Little Guy’s tooth is hurting, I’ll stay home with him until you get back from piano. That way, he won’t have to be running around town with you when he’s feeling bad.”
So Mr. Wonderful stayed home with Little Guy until we got home at 9ish. Then he kissed us all goodbye and left, telling Little Guy his usual story. “I’m staying over at Joe’s after Happy Hour so that I’m not drinking and driving.”
Redemption. For a moment. Just when I start really getting ready to make a move and be proactive about Mr. Wonderful, he does something….nice.
What would you do? Is it pathetic that I’m so extremely appreciative of even the tiniest gesture? Considering that I am the one carrying the weight of the entire world?
William took me to Enchiladas for lunch and I swear it was a 2 mile walk….he laughed and said no, but it took half an hour to get there and we were walking very briskly and I know how long it takes me to walk a mile briskly.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Happy Birthday EB
Current mood: sad
October 8th. Your birthday was Sunday. And I forgot. I’m bad at remembering birthdays. But not yours. Never yours.
This is the first year I forgot. I used to spend the whole week before remembering it. Trying to decide….do I call your mom? Knowing what it will do to me emotionally. Knowing what it will do to her. Knowing that her words and the tears in her voice will bring it all back for me. Knowing that my presence at the other end of that phone line will make it that much harder for her. Because it never fades away for her, I know. As it apparently is fading away for me.
Why am I sad that I forgot? Why are my eyes filled with tears now because I forgot? This is a good thing….right? Moving on? After 15 years? Not just physically, literally moving on, as I did long ago….but letting go. Letting go of that small tiny piece of you that belongs to noone but me.
I forgot this year. I won’t next year. I’ll never let go. I won’t let you fade away as if you were never here. You were here. And you mattered to me. You will always matter to me.